Dane groaned and rubbed his head as he sat up and took in his surroundings. He noticed with some amount of panic that he was wearing a full suit of armor. This panic quickly subsided when he noticed the huge battle axe at his hip.

"Yea." He said, nodding to himself. He could hear the trickling of a stream nearby, and the busy sounds of people busying themselves in a village. He blinked.

"Wait a second…"

He jumped up. Of course! He was in ‘Diablo’! How, he didn’t know. His first thought following this was where Dana could possibly be. Well, if the portal at Dairy Queen had sucked both of them in, it must have dumped them both into the game. And if he knew Dana, she would be decked out in ‘Godly Plate of the Whale’ and holding a deadly ‘Bow of the Heavens’ in her right hands. He hoped that wherever she was, she was kicking Plague Eater ass.

Then something occurred to Dane. He had to find Dana. And he had to do it quickly. If he were to do this he would need something stronger than the battle-axe he held. He would need ‘The Grandfather’ or ‘Lord’s sword of Titans’. He knew where to go.

Sauntering past Cain the elder, and ignoring the Tavern of the Rising Sun, Dane stalked up the burly Griswold, who stood with his arms crossed waiting for whoever wanted to buy his shit.

"Yo." Dane said.

"Well, what can I do fer ‘ye?" Griswold asked in his booming, Scottish accent.

Dane leaned over one knee. "Well, for starters, you can sell me something good for a change, instead of your usual crap, you son of a bitch."

Griswold stood smiling, and Dane wondered if he had heard him. "Look…I need a sword. A big, fast, cool sword. Do you follow?" he watched the blacksmiths face. Finally the mask broke, and Griswold began naming off random items he was selling at the time.

"Well, I can sell ‘ye this ‘ere full helm, or this—

Dane reeled back and did something he had always wanted to do. He kicked Griswold in the seeds with as much force as his firm warrior legs could muster. He watched the huge Scottish man fold and keel over face first into the dirt at his feet. A gasping wheeze was all Griswold could manage.

"Uh." Dane cupped his seeds in one hand. He felt insanely proud of himself, and decided that the best course of action would be to head to the nearest tavern for a nice cold one. Even though Dane did not drink alcoholic beverages. It seemed the thing to do.

MEANWHILE…

Dana was having the time of her life watching the two Hell Knights she had bumped into try and figure out ‘The Duck’, which had mysteriously fallen into her hands during the spiral through the portal.

The bigger of the two scratched his helmet and sat down upon the blood stained ground. He turned the object upside down, right side up, and sideways. It seemed to do nothing.

"Perhaps," the second whispered to the first, "It is some object from her World empowered by the Light of their God."

Dana could not help but let go a small laugh. The two Knights glared at her with their huge, unblinking red eyes. "Silence!" the bigger one said as he rose, The Duck in hand. "Have you no clue of where it is you are?"

Dana yawned. "Yeah. I’ve beaten this game a number of times. I’m in level 15. And if I had the bow of the heavens right now, you two wouldn’t be standing here trying to figure out a Bong."

They stared at her for a long while. The second one managed to look embarrassed underneath his 14 layers of satanic black armor. "A Bong?" he asked quietly, suddenly very curious, abandoning all thoughts of killing the girl from another world. "What does it do?"

Dana’s face broke out into a hideous grin. The Knights looked slightly worried. "Oh, it can do marvelous things." She said. "I say…have you two ever been to another plane of existence?"

The bigger one reeled back in horror. "I knew it! The strange one speaks of the Bong possessing Holy power! We must destroy it before it does us harm!"

The second Knight looked at his comrade. He looked at The Duck. He looked back at his comrade. He looked back at The Duck. He did not look back at his comrade.

"Traitor!" The first Knight cried in a booming voice meant to give one heebie jeebies. "Wait until our Dark Lord hears of this outrage!" he turned, with a loud protesting creak of armor, and fled.

The second Knight looked sheepish. "You do realize it is my sworn duty to strip you naked, torture you, and skewer you on a pole."

Dana nodded. "Much like this fellow." She indicated, pointing at the nude and rather dead man on a pole not far from where they stood.

"Yes."

"But you’re not going to, because you want to know what this Bong does, don’t you?"

The Knight looked down at his feet. "How…does it work, anyway?"

Dana smiled. Of course, her boyfriend had forgotten to pack the most important thing. A lighter. She thought of an idea.

"Get me fire." She said. "Get me fire and I will show you the light."

She heard the sharp intake of breath.

"I mean, I will show you the eternally tormenting flame."

The Knight nodded and turned to search for fire.